I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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