Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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