He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
