Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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