the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
