talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
We need to feng shui this bitch.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Randomize
