I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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