I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
