I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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