roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
