dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I could make wine with my vomit
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
