the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
