Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
