Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
