i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
