Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
