walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Randomize
