Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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