Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
