I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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