I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Who died my cat blue again?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
