He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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