while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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