I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
