I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
