i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
