I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
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