I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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