I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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