so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
