I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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