Fine. I'll sleep in my office
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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