Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
