My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
