I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
