Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I'm bleeding and have questions
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
