I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
