Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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