my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
