If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
