I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
We are all done wearing pants today
wow bdsm is so cute
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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