i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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