If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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