There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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