you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
