The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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