I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
