I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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