my mouth tastes like poor choices
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
