i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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