News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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